THE LOW-DOWN ON THE TOWN Impudent, uncensored account By C. Castle

Flinging Dirt

The buzz whipped through the snooze-inducing school board meeting like a Malibu wildfire.

Dirt has a way of getting tongues wagging. And this dirt -- "The Dirt - A Newsletter (February 2000) #2" -- was snapped up nearly as soon as it was placed on a table in the reception area of school district headquarters Thursday night.

"Whoever wrote it was here," a reporter theorized. "They put more out because the first stack was all gone."

And no wonder. "The Dirt" is one stinging missive. No one is safe and nothing is sacred - from school district officials to parents, from SMRR to the homeless.

Who could have written this? we wondered along with everyone else. Whoever wrote the sometimes misspelled and ungrammatical missive was certainly one informed and angry dude -- or dudes. (It is unclear from the phrase "a man like ourselves," though the writer could have been using the plural figuratively, as many columnists do.)

One reporter - noting that The Lookout was just about the only local media outlet not slammed by "The Dirt" - which also went after The Argonaut, The Sun and The Mirror -- suggested that maybe it had been penned by one of our writers, perhaps yours truly, C. Castle.

Others speculated the dirt was flung by school board watchdog John Petz. When asked if he wrote it, Petz replied, "No. But that's really funny because four people who really know me have asked."

Still others pointed to Chuck Allord, a frequent speaker at council meetings who was at the scene Thursday night.

"Nice job on the newsletter," a Lookout writer old him as he was poring over campaign finance reports at City Hall Friday.

"Yeah, a lot of people have said they think I wrote it," said Allord, who plans to run for City Council. "I wish I had, but I don't write that well. I'm trying to find out myself. Whoever wrote it missed a lot on the homeless issue."

Whoever wrote it, everyone who saw "The Dirt" at the school board meeting seemed to agree, it was hard to put down.

"I don't know what the protocol for underground anonymous newspapers is, but that's pretty funny," said Mid City Neighbors head David Cole. "I've read it three times. I can't wait to see the next one."

By the end of the night, the mystery still remained unsolved. Who could go to town so freely on the establishment? Lambaste the dominant political party and the beleaguered school board and rail on the homeless?

Our editor had been reading Sherlock Holmes lately, so when I returned to our Pico Boulevard office, I handed him the document. He put on his glasses, held the page up to the florescent light and stared intently at the paper.

"There's no water mark to identify the origin of the paper."

"Watermark? It's just a regular sheet of paper," I protested.

"Not just a regular sheet. A regular sheet would be 8 1/2 by 11. This one is 11 by 17."

"So? That's the size of every newsletter page."

"Which means that it was printed at a printer's office."

"No joke, Sherlock."

The editor went back to inspecting the page, this time actually reading the words.

"Its author is either a reporter, or doesn't have a life. Or both."

"How do you figure?"

"The content indicates that it was written either by someone who has attended every council meeting for the past year...."

"Or watched them on TV."

"Since the text is riddled with typos, misspellings and grammatical errors, the author either is a usually -- "

"An usually -- "

"Whatever, an usually heavily edited reporter on the lamb, or a civilian with nothing to do with his Tuesday nights - assuming it's a he. And since it attacks the Our Times, the Argonaut, the Sun and the Mirror, it's either one of us or a civilian."

"The person also hates SMRR, has a beef against the homeless and may be running for council."

"Which narrows it down to line a zillion people."

That's when a light bulb seemed to go off above the editors' head.

"Let's cash in on the buzz," he said. "Let's write a Confidential and offer anyone who has a clue leading to the disclosure of the author's identity a free dinner at one of Pico's two German restaurant."

Those with information can email us at mail@surfsantamonica.com. Please address it to Dig the Dirt. We'll keep you posted on the results of our investigation. We'll also cover the dinner with the winner in more ways that one.